


he's got a heart made out of stone

by darth_stitch



Series: Two Boys from Brooklyn [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, Dracula & Related Fandoms, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Domestic Avengers, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-10
Updated: 2014-05-10
Packaged: 2018-01-24 05:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1593179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Tony Stark makes one too many cracks about Steve Rogers' "Russian boyfriend" and Bucky sets him straight about his actual ethnicity.  Or - the one where two Stupidly Adorable and Mischievous Nonagenarians may or may not be trolling the hell out of the Avengers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which It Is Realy All Tony's Fault

**Author's Note:**

> This piece of ridiculousness was originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/85163805711/originally-tony-stark-made-jokes-about-captain)

As always, this was started by Tony Stark.

According to Pepper, there is a "Tony Rule."  The Tony Rule states that any and all craziness that occurs in the general area of what was now the Avengers Tower was Tony's fault. 

Tony would like to protest this rule, that in fact, there is a significant percentage of Incidents Around the Tower that were definitely Not His Fault.  He had reason to do this because he had two super assassins on his team, a brilliant scientist who occasionally turned into a giant green rage monster, a Norse thunder god, Norse thunder god's girlfriend who was also a brilliant scientist plus her intern and personal assistant, a birdman who could actually give Rhodey a run for his money in the sanity department (seriously, REAL WINGS?), one defrosted World War II super soldier and his also defrosted formerly brainwashed Soviet super assassin BFF and now actual boyfriend.   The number of Official Weirdness Magnets around Tony increased the chances for Incidents exponentially.  He could get JARVIS to run the numbers --

\-- JARVIS actually refused.  This is what Tony gets for making a smartass AI. 

But this digresses from the story.  Which was, as follows:

Originally, Tony Stark made jokes about Captain America’s “Russian boyfriend,” had “From Russia With Love” as Bucky’s ringtone and was definitely courting Death by Black Widow when he proposed watching _Anastasia_ for Movie Night.  That was Tony for you.

Eventually, Bucky responded with, “You do realize that I’m not really Russian, right?”

"Yeah, yeah, you’re a Brooklyn boy like Capsicle over here," Tony dismissed.

"He’s Romanian," Steve volunteered helpfully. 

"Technically, born and bred in Brooklyn," Bucky explained.  "But Romania was the old country for all my folks, who first came over."

Of course, Tony looked like it was Christmas all over again.  And over the next several weeks, the jokes consisted of “Cap’s boyfriend Dracula,” “Cap’s non-sparkly vampire boyfriend,” “Better Looking than Edward Cullen THANK CHRIST” and bad Romanian (“Jeezas, Bela Lugosi was _Hungarian_ , you guys!” - Bucky) accents.  Also, there were several showings of various Dracula movies for movie night. 

It did not help when Thor volunteered that there were such “creatures of the night” somewhere in the nine realms.

And then, Bucky began telling the "real" vampire stories his grandfather used to tell him. Stories about outbreaks and epidemics in Romanian villages, how the  _strigoi_ would show up at the doorstep of the family members they left behind and feed on them.  How said family members eventually would make their way to the graveyards, armed with stake and hammer and scythes, with garlic and wild roses.  How they would dig up the graves of the suspected  _strigoi_ only to find their worst suspicions confirmed when they found bodies with longer hair and nails, floating in bloody coffins.  

Of course, that led Bruce to start off a discussion about how the natural decomposition of human bodies could lead superstitious people to think different things.  However, Bucky was oddly insistent about his grandfather's stories and he added in all these little details that made it both creepy and convincing. 

It didn't help that Steve, who had this knack for looking completely innocent and earnest at the same time, backed Bucky's stories up to the hilt.  After all, he'd grown up listening to Bucky's grandfather too. 

For the record, it was Clint who snuck into _Natasha’s_ room, after being thoroughly traumatized by the whole vampire thing. 

Movies that specifically featured _Dracula_ was a source of great, if poorly concealed amusement from Bucky and Steve even as Bucky grumbled that Bela Lugosi really had the wrong accent, as he was not actually Romanian himself.  However, it was during a screening of Francis Ford Coppola’s _Dracula_ that the pair now dubbed as the team's Stupidly Adorable Nonagenarians were completely unable to hold back the gigglefits.  

"Oh geez, Grampy would blow his top over this," Bucky wheezed.

"Oh man, he hated Bram Stoker so much," Steve snickered.  "That damn Irish hack, he called him - only he used some sort of swear word in Romanian and then said ‘present company exempted’ if I was around."

"Right, I getcha," Clint said.  "The real Dracula’s supposed to be a Romanian national hero or something right?"

"Well," Bucky hedged.

"Go on, tell ‘em," Steve encouraged.

"Fine, so that wasn’t just the reason why Grampy was so steamed about this," Bucky began.  "See, when they came over here, they figured that ‘Tsepesh’ was gonna be too hard to pronounce for American tongues and Dracul was just going to invite a whole shitstorm of trouble.  So Grampy figured might as well pick out a name that’s totally American and he went with _Barnes_.  Simple, safe and no vampire jokes.”

"Exactly," Steve affirmed.  And then he turned a bit pink.  "Though no matter what name you pick out, you still have the family tendency to nibble on necks."

"Hey, you _enjoyed_ that,” Bucky leered.

"They’re trolling us," Sam shook his head.  "Ten bucks says they’re trolling us."

"You can’t be related to fucking Dracula," Tony announced. 

"Hey, I don’t hafta convince you guys," Bucky shrugged.  "Facts are facts.  Supposedly I could come back to the old country and take on the whole ‘prince’ thing now, what with all the changes in government but it’s too much trouble." 

"Just remember James, I’m not auditioning for your vampire harem," Natasha deadpanned.

"Sorry, no.  I’m a one-fella guy, once my mind’s made up - vampire or no vampire."

And then he and Steve sauntered out of the rec room. 

The rest of the team still hasn’t figured out whether Bucky and Steve were trolling the hell out of them or not.  It didn’t help that after some very careful and discreet research was done - and this time JARVIS was willing to indulge Tony's shenanigans, Bucky’s claims about his folks were apparently _accurate._

\- tbc -


	2. In Which Steve and Bucky Proceed to Break Tumblr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve arts on Tumblr; Bucky is very proud of his best guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/85178028251/the-following-piece-of-art-was-uploaded-by)

Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes both have Tumblr accounts.  The details for that are a story for another day.   Steve posts his work and a lot of popular fan art as well on his blog.  Bucky takes photographs and eventually started dabbling in fan fiction as well.  Originally, the blogs were meant to be incognito but eventually people figured out that the Avengers' Stupidly Adorable Nonagenarians were behind theplanningman.tumblr.com and sgtdracula.tumblr.com. 

Tumblr broke on that day and it was forever marked as a Day of Infamy in the Tumblr offices. 

The following piece of art was uploaded by theplanningman.tumblr.com with this caption:

"Bucky’s Grampy.  Bucky learned everything about putting the Fear of God into people from him.  And then some.  Seriously, Tony, we weren’t kidding about the Dracula thing."

sgtdracula.tumblr.com who now had a legitimate reason as to why he started cackling maniacally every time somebody questioned him about his Tumblr name reblogged said artwork with a comment.

"Grampy was a real looker when he was young.  Very proud of my fella’s artistic skills.  Sorry, Tony, you’ve already invited me into your Tower.  It’s too late for the garlic and the crosses!"

A fan, aware that Captain America and the Winter Soldier owned said tumblr accounts promptly reblogged the artwork and added: “Seriously.  Did Sgt. Barnes just say his Grandfather was Dracula for real?”

Yet another fan responded:  “Quick check for sparkling!”

And then another:  “Shit, guys, check out this family tree for Barnes!”

As stated in the beginning, this wasn't the first time that Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes broke Tumblr.  But again, those are stories for another day.

\- tbc -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know that's really art from Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. Work with me here, folks. :P


	3. In Which Amin Zola Had Absolutely No Clue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amin Zola could never get the formula he used to create the Winter Soldier to work on anyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/85189232236/the-truth-is-the-formula-that-amin-zola-used-on)

 

The truth is, the formula that Amin Zola used on James Buchanan Barnes did not quite…. _work_ the way he thought it would.

Erskine’s original formula apparently seemed to take into consideration the _personality_ of the man it would transform into the perfect soldier.  What was good, it would make even better.  What was _bad_ , it would make even worse.  It was almost as if the man had tapped into some sort of _magic_.  Except that this was science, not spells and potions - and what was discovered by one scientist, through careful experimentation, through trial and error, should be re-created easily by another.

Zola could never understand why _his_ version of the super serum, which had apparently worked so well on the Winter Soldier, did not work on others.

It was as if Fate, having decided that there would be only one Captain America, had also decreed that there would only be one Winter Soldier to counter him. 

What Zola could never understand and what he would never discover, was that the formula and the fall that should have caused the death of James Buchanan Barnes simply _woke_ something that should never have been awakened.

Old Blood coursed through the veins of this child, who, had he been born on the earth of his ancestors, would have been called _Iacov_.  Old Blood saved him and awakened an ancient legacy, the rage, the strength and the fire of the Dragon.  

James Buchanan Barnes - _Iacov_ of the House of _Dracule._

\- tbc -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I've said in the original Tumblr post, I s2g I thought Bucky Muse was just trolling. I was so very, very wrong.....


	4. In Which Tony Stark Finds a Portrait of Young Vlad Dracula

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's a chip off the old block.... maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ridiculousness originally appeared at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/85223643976/in-which-tony-stark-uncovers-a-rare-portrait-of)

When Tony Stark uncovers a rare portrait of the young Vlad Dracule (known to the world as Vlad Dracula, the Impaler), he has the very understandable reaction of:

"Now you guys are just fucking with me, aren’t you?"

Bucky makes a show of scratching his head.  “Well, Grampy always says that I pretty much nailed the whole family resemblance thing.”

"Chip right off the old block.  He was really proud of you, Buck," Steve added. 

"He would’ve busted my chops for screwing up at Kaldenstein."

"Aw, Bucky, Kaldenstein wasn’t your fault — "

"It was a set up right outta his stories and I missed every single tell — "

"You were outta your mind worrying over me ‘cause I got sick from whatever that thing HYDRA threw at us — "

"You think the grandpa lovebirds are gonna get around telling us what happened in Kaldenstein?" Clint observed loudly to Tony. 

"I’m still freakin’ out over his resemblance to Grandpa Dracula over here!  JARVIS, I think we’re gonna need a lot of holy water.  Garlic.  Crosses too.  I mean, I’m not religious but maybe it’ll help?"

"Clint and I might be persuaded to tell you guys what really happened in Budapest if you spill this story," Natasha added. 

Clint shrugged.  "Could be relevant to their interests."

"And now I'm convinced," Bruce said dryly.  "The Kaldenstein story and the Budapest story.  Start talking." 

Steve and Bucky exchanged looks and sighed. 

"I ain’t tellin’ it.  You do it, Steve."

"I was pretty out of it the whole time!"

"You’re the one with the eidectic memory.  God knows Dum Dum wouldn’t stop talking about it — "

"GUYS!"  Sam raised his voice.  "Look.  We’re actually begging for some storytime here.  Anytime you’re ready?"

Steve sighed.  And began.

\- tbc -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I have a really, really huge book containing a LOT of awesome vampire stories from the past to the present. So I will be taking shameless advantage of some old favorites. Okay? And yes, I know that's still art from Castlevania. Like I said, work with me here, folks.


	5. In Which We Are Told the Story of Kaldenstein

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaldenstein is a place in a godforsaken corner of Bavaria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This piece of ridiculousness was originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/85269952081/kaldenstein-is-a-place-its-in-some-godforsaken)

 

Kaldenstein is a place. 

It’s in some godforsaken corner of Bavaria, a tiny village huddled underneath the shadow of what was, of course, a predictably imposing castle.  Even mostly out of his mind with fever, Steve appreciates the thought that went into the design of the castle, which still retained all the ancient fortifications that it would have needed in the Middle Ages. 

Steve Rogers hasn’t felt this sick since he was given the serum.  It was some kind of new HYDRA weapon that had been aimed at Bucky.  Steve had taken the hit instead, trusting that the shield would absorb most of the force.  But apparently, this particular weapon wasn’t meant to blast a man down to component molecules, the way they’d seen other HYDRA weapons do. 

What might have killed Bucky made Steve sick instead - sick the way he hadn’t been since the serum, sick in the way he’d been when he’d been 110 pounds soaking wet (and no, Bucky, I wasn’t _ninety_ \- give me some credit for the additional weight, huh?), asthmatic and pretty much, as Bucky put it, the dreamboat for every germ out there. And since their life in general since this war began was a SNAFU, the radio was out, therefore, they had no way to call Peggy to get their ride home. 

But Steve was the only real casualty as far as this mission went.  Everyone else was on their feet, loaded up with enough ammo and supplies to see them through a march back to friendly territory or at least until Morita got the radio fixed.  And Bucky was okay.

That was all that mattered.

And the rest of the situation was that it was winter and the weather was getting worse and none of them wanted to end up being popsicles, so shelter and a chance for Steve to recover and for Morita to repair the radio was the priority.  With Bucky or Dum Dum alternating in helping Steve to walk - Bucky had given Steve his trademark Glare of Death when the latter tried to attempt walking on his own, not wanting to be a burden on the team - it was Bucky who temporarily took command.

The first tell was that Kaldenstein was completely empty. 

Empty villages aren’t a new sight in a war.  People run the hell away when a war’s on their doorstep if they have somewhere to go.  Or they get taken away and they don’t come back.  Steve makes sure they save what civilians they could, if they come across them while taking out HYDRA bases and given that it’s HYDRA, that’s a lot of civvies. They all tell themselves that they do what they can, even if it’s not really enough.  
  
Pretty much all they can do, without going crazy with guilt. 

But Kaldenstein is empty in a way that raises the hair on the backs of their necks.  The buildings - the homes, the shops, even the little church, are standing mostly whole, except for the occasional broken window.  There are no lights or signs of movement within the houses.  The air is still, almost expectant. 

Morita glances at the castle that seems to hunch over the village and is the first to crack wise.  “I’ve seen this movie, Sarge.  If Dracula’s holed up in there, we’re gonna scram.”

Bucky snorts. And Steve, who knows the Secret Barnes Family History is also hard put not to laugh.

"It’s just a movie, man,"  Jones drawls.  "Ain’t gonna worry about no imaginary bloodsucker with plastic fangs - I’m saving it up for HYDRA and Nazis."

"We’re living in a fuckin’ comic book with a super hero captain and fighting against super villains.  What are the odds?” Dum Dum adds in. 

"The odds are that you better not jinx us, because we really need to hole up somewhere for the night," Bucky responds.  "Bela got the accent wrong anyway."

Steve’s attempts not to start laughing makes him start wheezing and gasping for breath like he’s got asthma all over again.  He finds himself focusing on Bucky’s voice, calm and quiet, the same way he’s eased Steve through each attack before.

"Quit that, you punk - we got you.  Okay?  Just keep breathing, Stevie.  You just keep breathing for me."

"Still…a jerk," Steve manages, but he follows Bucky's instructions anyway, matching him breath for breath.  Bucky lets Steve put a hand on his neck, fingers on his pulse, allowing him to breathe in sync with Bucky's heartbeat.  They've done this countless times when Bucky was still afraid he'd lose Steve every time he so much as sneezed in winter.  It actually  helps calm the two of them down.  

The rest of the Commandos are used to the sight and after glancing to make sure that their Captain is still okay, leave both of them to it, taking their customary protective stance around them.  

Dernier chuckles and says something in French about them being adorable cabbages.  Nearly all of them have picked the language up from hanging around him so long.   Dernier is proud that they've all gotten the "proper" accent down pat, wearing away even at Falsworth's schoolboy accent.   “Adorable Cabbage” is a familiar enough rag that it makes both Steve and Bucky smile.  

It’s Jones and Falsworth who make sure the inn they found was empty and clear before leading the rest of the Commandos inside. 

The second tell is that the inn still has all of its supplies.  Pillows.  Blankets.  Beds.  Food.  Wine.  Even clean water and soap. There are plates and glasses.  Silverware.  Clothes.  All the things that might have been taken or looted away are present - like the inn’s owners and guests just went out for a while and are coming back any second. 

Most of them are too relieved at first to take note.  They’re hungry, thirsty and cold.  Warm beds and enough water to be actually _clean_ are nothing short of sheer heaven to all of them.  Even Steve doesn’t protest when Bucky wipes his brow with a cloth dipped in cold water, wraps him up in a blanket and makes him eat and drink. 

"It’s strange, though," Falsworth observes, even as he sips at the delicious soup that Dernier has managed to cook from the supplies in the kitchen.  Steve has had some of that soup too and already he’s feeling a lot better.  "All of this food and everything else you’d think you’d take with you if you were running from the war.  They’re all here.  But where are the people?" 

"We didn’t run into any civvies from that last HYDRA base," Morita muses. 

"Maybe they’re all in the castle?" Steve offers.  It makes sense. Almost.  That was what castles were built for anyway.  In the Middle Ages, during times of war, the villagers could flee into the castle and certainly Kaldenstein’s castle still looks like it could withstand a siege.

But even as he says this, it’s not sitting right with him.  If the villagers of Kaldenstein were in the castle, then why did this inn still have all its supplies?

And he glances over at Bucky, who’s sipping at his own soup.  He knows his best friend’s expressions and they’ve known each other long enough to know what the other is thinking.  They’ve both grown up on the stories that Bucky’s Romanian grandfather has told them. 

And then Jones walks in, with a Bible in his hands.  He flips it open to show the first page and the writing…

German is another language that they’ve all learned during this war. 

_Kaldenstein is cursed.  If you value your soul, you will not spend an hour beyond sunset in this place._

That last one wasn’t a tell anymore.  It was confirmation. 

Bucky swears.  And he barks out orders.  “Board up the windows!  Block all the doors!  Kill the lights!”

"We regroup here, in the dining room, when you’re done," Steve adds.  "Nobody goes off alone, understand?"

It’s past sunset.  Too late to just grab what supplies they could and keep moving.  To their credit - the rest of the Commandos don’t question orders.  Answers can wait.  They just have to get the job done first.

"I’m sorry, Steve," Bucky tells him.  "I shoulda seen it from the start.  This is _exactly_ like what Grampy used to tell us — “

"It’s not your fault," Steve answers.  "And maybe, there’s still a chance we’re both wrong and the fellas can laugh at us tomorrow — "

There’s a howling in the wind and Steve could’ve told himself it was wolves and his own admittedly overactive imagination.  Steve’s a huge fan of horror stories and comics, knows all about the phrase " _chill your blood."_ He's read that phrase so many times that he’s pretty much dismissed it as overused and cliche but _god damn_ it was, apparently, accurate.   

But there was something in that _sound_ , something lost and inhuman and oddly _enticing_ and it sends ice right down Steve’s spine, even as his feet wanted to move towards that voice…. that voice that was calling…. _calling…._

Steve gasps as Bucky slides his rosary over his neck, gasps like he’s been doused with cold water and is now wide awake.

"Don’t you take that off, punk or I’m kicking your ass."  

Steve's all too familiar with that look in Bucky's eyes.  He's not going to argue. 

"There’s someone out there," Falsworth calls out.  "A woman.  We better let her in!"

"No!" Bucky snarls out.  "We’re not letting anybody in here.  Anybody who tries to come in, we shoot, you understand?"

"She’s a civilian!" Dum Dum protests. 

"She ain’t human! _Look at her._   Look at her clothes! She looks like she’s goin’ to some dinner party and we’d freeze our nuts off if we went out there right now and you can see her bare feet and she’s _standing on top of three feet of snow!”_

"There’s another one out there!" Morita says.  And his face is pale.  "Sarge.  Tell me we just didn’t step into a Dracula movie."

"You guys said we’re already living in a comic book.  Vampires are in comic books too, remember?"

"Oh fuck me," Dum Dum crosses himself and brings out a holy medal of his own. 

"There’s garlic in here - does that work on ‘em?" Jones asks. 

Bucky shakes his head.  “About all it can do is make pizza taste good.  We’d do better with any holy relics - rosaries, medals — “

Dernier holds up a picture of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary.   It had been sitting on what was apparently the inn's family altar. 

"We survive this, I’m going back to church," Falsworth mutters. 

"We shoot with the intent of making them _stay_ down _._ Wound them badly enough, they’ll be stuck there until morning.  Jones - that 30 cal of yours will do the trick.  You rip ‘em apart and we’ll worry about staking and beheading when we’ve got the sun to back us up.  For now, the name of the game is to stay alive and standing our ground in here until sunrise,” Steve orders.  

"There’s more of them out there!" 

Jones is right.  With sinking hearts, they peek through the boarded up windows to see what amounts to probably the whole village.  Men, women, _children -_ in various states of dress and in some cases _undress._ Many of them were barefoot, all of them pale as the snow they’re standing on, all of them looking in their direction with undisguised _hunger_ ….

There’s another man - tall and well-dressed, though in decidedly old-fashioned clothing, standing in their midst.  There’s intelligence in that gaze and then he smiles and it’s an awful, _awful_ thing, that smile, baring yellowed fangs and a long black tongue that snakes out to lick at blackened lips, smacking in anticipation of his meal…

"FUBAR, definitely FUBAR.  Moving fast in the direction of TARFU," Morita is muttering. 

_"Merde_ ,” is what Dernier whispers and then crosses himself and begins the _Ave Maria_ in the same breath. 

Steve’s still aching all over and that fever of his isn’t going away yet.  But he hefts his shield grimly and readies his own gun.  “We’re not going down that easy.”

The vampires attack in waves.  They seem to be coming from all over, jumping from the other houses and buildings.   The Howling Commandos make their stand and they hold their ground for as long as they can.  They’re counting down the hours to sunrise but it seems like a long ways off and they’re running out of bullets.  Bucky makes headshot after headshot, making every bullet count - even a vampire can't recover quickly if their brains are blown out their skulls.  

But it's still no use.  Steve quickly realizes that the ammo isn’t going to last them the night.  Bucky makes Dernier build up the fire.  Fire’s their next best weapon in place of bullets. 

It dawns on Steve that the Church in the village is the only building that the vampires seem to actively avoid.  Jones still has enough bullets in that 30 cal and Falsworth still has enough fuel in his flame thrower tank to cover all of them and get them inside the church.  Steve’s got his shield and fever or no, he’s still got super soldier strength and reflexes. 

It’s their best chance. 

The plan’s a good one.  Dum Dum, Dernier and Morita get to the Church first - Morita and Dum Dum are the only two other people in the group who’ve got a rosary and a holy medal.  Dernier holds up the Sacred Heart image high, making the vampires hiss and leap back in fear.  

Steve uses his shield to actually _break_ vampire necks, shoving it hard enough to rip through flesh.  Blood splatters on his uniform and on his cheeks and he spits.  Peripherally he can see Jones and Falsworth make it to the Church. 

He hurts, Steve hurts all over - the fever’s getting worse, he knows it, but he needs to make the last couple of feet - he needs to make sure Bucky makes it along with the others and he falls to his knees —

Bucky’s at his arm, pulling at him.  “Not without you, punk.”

Steve smiles.  “Jerk — ” And then, there’s another vampire - what apparently used to be the village priest - sneaking up on Bucky and Steve raises his shield —

— something sharp claws at the back of his neck and he’s dragged back - the beads from Bucky’s rosary around his neck scatter into the air - and the last thing he hears is Bucky screaming his name.

Steve doesn’t remember the rest.  All he knows is that he wakes up inside the Church, head pillowed on Bucky’s lap and Bucky has this look in his eyes, same look he gets whenever Steve used to get sick in the winter - fierce, scared out of his mind and tenderly protective all at the same time.  

He's never told Bucky this and probably never will but that look is what kept Steve going through each illness, fighting for breath with every cough.  He knows no matter what happens, Bucky's got his back.  Sickness and in health.  He tries not to think too hard about how that last part sounds an awful lot like wedding vows and how right it feels anyway. 

The sun’s up.  The rest of the team’s safe.  And Morita’s got the radio fixed and they are getting the hell out of Kaldenstein and never watching another Dracula movie again.  Ever. 

It’s Dum Dum who fills the gaps in Steve’s memory.  He and the rest of the team can say what happened, although they can’t explain it. 

They say that Bucky grabbed Steve back from the vampire who got him, stood over his body with Steve’s shield.  Bucky snarled something out in a language that none of them knew.  And there was what they called a “ring of light” and every vampire who got near turned to ash. 

Morita says that the guy they figured was the head vampire - Count Kaldenstein himself - for want of a better name - looked fucking terrified.  Jones says that Kaldenstein had screamed “Forgive me, Lord, I knew you not!” before he too disintegrated. 

Bucky doesn’t know where the “ring of light” came from.  He says he never did a thing, only thought that he’d be shielding Steve and that the vampires were gonna take him away over his dead body.  So nope, everybody better get any fancy ideas outta their heads.  They got lucky, was what this was.  It was an act of God that they made it out of Kaldenstein alive and they were gonna be grateful and forget about it. 

For a while, Steve dreams that he saw Bucky’s eyes turn to gold and that he snarled something in Romanian about dragons or being _the_ dragon but he chalks it up to fancy and never mentions this particular bit of information when he finally tells the Kaldenstein story to the rest of the Avengers. 

Of course, Tony ditches the “Dracula” thing and starts referring to Bucky as “Bucky the Vampire Slayer” for the next several weeks though. 

-end- (for now!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I shamelessly pillaged "The Vampire Archives" for inspiration and ideas. “Kaldenstein” is based off Frederick Cowles’ "The Vampire of Kaldenstein." I may also have been watching YouTube for the story bits of the recent Castlevania games. 
> 
> ** cackling **

**Author's Note:**

>  **NOTE:** So - did Bucky and Steve set up the most elaborate prank of all time? Or is it for real?


End file.
